Having attended my Father's funeral service yesterday, I can say that today felt like the first step toward "normalcy" that i've felt in a while. I decided to write this article in hopes that people would get a better understanding of how to be considerate of someone going through loss.
The ridiculous title was meant to catch attention, but I will let it be known that I don't consider anyone to have been a jerk through this entire situation. While most people are truly sympathetic and want to help, certain things are counter-productive and may push those further into an emotional spiral. When you encounter death from a close family member or friend, you enter a world of confusion, inability to make clear decisions, and hyper sensitive reactions. You are going through things that people can't even imagine. Which brings me to my first point...
You have no idea what they are going through...
When a friend announces a family death, some people have the immediate reaction to keep talking. They just can't say enough to comfort the person, so they just keep talking. I'm not exactly sure why this is, but it is one of the worst things you can do. The prime example: "Oh, i'm so sorry you lost your ________, I know exactly how you feel, I lost my _________ a few years ago. How old are you? Oh... yea, I lost my _____ when I was way younger. We were so close, so I know EXACTLY how you are feeling right now, but mine was pretty terrible too". What? Most of you are probably looking at this and thinking, wow, I have said something similar to this, or I know someone who would say this. Please tell me how you think that would be comforting. Not only does the person have to deal with several stages of grief, now they are devastated by your story that completely one-upped them and makes you feel like an inconsiderate jerk for being sad about your slightly less traumatic situation.
Every single person has a different relationship with their recently departed loved one than you did.
This tags onto my last tip. Even if you have both lost the same family member, even if recently, you do not know the relationship that they had with their relative. Some people can say, "I relate because I know how close I am to my ________". Maybe they even knew you and were around that person as well, but we all have deeper family roots than others will fully know. It's not for you to try to assume what that relationship was like. It is your responsibility to be there for them, not to define the recovery process.
Do not define the recovery process...
Too often, people feel inspired to quickly tell you how the stages of recovery will go, play by play. "Oh, I lost ______ years ago, I remember being sad, but it will all be better, just pray about it." We don't want to hear this right now. It goes back to my first tip. Additionally, we are all going to have our own ways of coping. Throwing in your beliefs at this point can even enrage the recipient. What if they have a different faith? What if they are questioning a lot of things right now and the last thing they want to hear is how you already "know" it's going to be fine? I don't want to take the wind completely out of these sails because again, I feel that the person is genuinely trying to be helpful in their own way.
Nothing here is meant to point out someone trying to hurt you, but the feeling of your loss has a different rationality and way of reasoning. An example: When I arrived back home in Virginia, I had just been on an 8 hour last minute, super pricy flight to come back to my grieving family. When I found out the horrible news, I was alone for hours with only my thoughts and a crying baby in row 6C. Walking up to my house for the first time knowing that my Dad wouldn't be sitting in the garage to greet me, was one of the scariest things in my life. My Dad recently started making birdhouses out of various materials. He loved making these and giving them to friends and family. The first thing I noticed when I walked into the garage was an unfinished gourd birdhouse. I broke down seeing this because I know that my Dad never started a project that he didn't finish. Most people would walk in and say, "I like these bird houses, that one is blue, that one is red, and that one happens to be gray". That gray one is primer... Primer was the base coat to make the blue and red paint stick properly to the gourd. I spent a few minutes walking around the garage noticing remnants of unfinished work. My Father was rushed to the hospital the night before his passing, and many of his tools were left out much like cities abandoned as they were due to disaster.
It wasn't an expected thing, he didn't have time to neatly pack things away, nor was it the fact that he gave up on a hobby, he was going to come back after this minor inconvenience and finish that house! After a few days, I would walk into my garage and replace his tools to where they belonged (as he instilled into me as a child). On the night of his funeral, I finished his birdhouse. I picked out a color that I think he would have liked, and finished painting the gourd and installed the little branch "perch" that he had picked out and started working on. This brought such an inner peace to me, I felt as if I had carried on his work and finished his last project. Nothing left undone, he would have hated that!
There's nothing you can say...
After hearing several condolences, the ones that stuck out to me as the most helpful went like this: "I am so sorry for your loss, (this is followed by a long hug, or if the person wasn't present, the verbal part is where it ended) If there is anything I can do for you, please let me know. I love you and I am here for you". END. This is all that needs to be said, just stop talking after this! Unless the person you are with engages you further, please just stop talking. If they do talk to you after the engagement, keep your responses to a minimum and remember all of the other tips before and after this one. Do NOT let the conversation go to being about you. Don't ask them "what happened?!?!" This is not something they are ready to re-tell for the hundredth time. If you are really curious, ask someone else that is a little more capable of handling this information such as a distant relative, or friend that has the strength to step up for their friend. But what if I am really important and I need to know?!? If you are supposed to know, you absolutely will. Whether this is due to a close proximity to the immediate family, or the person tells you themselves, you will know if you need to. Don't be that person who feels so entitled that you have to keep reopening the wound.
It is NOT about you
Being there for the person can mean the world to them, even if they seem to shun you at the time. This is where you have to realize, this isn't the time to start questioning your friendship or close-ness to the person. Again, we are going through something that we can't even explain to ourselves, and this is where you start to show resentment toward us because we didn't run up and say "heyyyyyyyy, what's up friend!"? Be prepared to take on some sadness, you aren't expected to become a depressed mess of a person, but you have to be a crying shoulder while you are around them. This isn't going to last forever, so suck it up and be there for your loved one. This might mean an inconvenience to your schedule, your evenings or possibly even mean taking off from work or other engagements. You aren't being asked to go to their little cousins graduation with a family of 100 little cousins, this is the loss of one of the most important people they have ever known, someone that has shaped them into the person that you enjoy being around today. Touching base on what I mentioned a while back, there will be a time that you can share similar stories. There comes a point in time where the healing starts with talking about what happened. At this point, the person may already know that you went through loss as well, and maybe this time of sharing similarities would be somewhat of a comfort so they know that it is totally normal to have felt the way that they do. But you still have to feel it out.
The pace leader(s)
This was the term I coined earlier today because I couldn't think of a better english word to describe it. Plus, its easy to attribute to other situations. The pace leader is the immediate family. If it is one person, this is your point of contact for how you conduct yourself, if there are surviving family members as a collective, direct relative group, these are your leaders. Take note of how your pace leader is feeling. Chances are, they will be a roller coaster of emotions in a single visitation. We can't help how we feel, and it comes in waves of happiness and complete lack of control. My general thought is that, if your pace leader is starting to liven up a little, it will help them maintain by responding to their moment of relief. This includes socializing with others in a similar fashion, if they are laughing with close friends and family, you are now authorized to do so. Passing the pace leader is not a good situation. This means: you are talking to a friend that you haven't seen in a while, you wish it was under different circumstances, but since you have the time together, this is where you decide to catch up on old times. There is nothing wrong with this, but here is the problem: Let's say, your pace leader has shifted from being a little lively into breaking down and crying on their best friends shoulder. You ignore this, and tell a hilarious story while catching up with your old buddy and now you have a group of 4-6 people laughing hysterically. This can result in your pace leader shutting down and feeling completely singled out and even more confined and overwhelmed. On a normal day, they may be able to jump into the group and add a detail to the story that makes everyone laugh for hours. This isn't a normal day... Be respectful of your pace leader and always make them feel like they are in a comfortable space, this can include taking over minor responsibilities to take things off of their mind. Taking out the trash, cleaning up behind those less than tidy guests, making sure there is enough ice in the cooler and washing dishes as they accumulate. You don't have to tell anyone you did these things, just do it and put a check in the box for "good deeds done".
Expenses
Dying is expensive. If there is one thing you would rather not worry about in this incredibly tough time, its money. There are so many decisions that are made behind the scenes in the event of someones passing. These are not cheap decisions and everything adds up. Before you know it, you are planning a huge event that you don't even want to attend. This can be daunting on a family, as a side note, my Mother and I discussed what we wanted for my Father's funeral arrangements before we visited the funeral home. This was extremely helpful, since you are in and out of emotional response while making these decisions. There are things that you can do to alleviate a few responsibilities, even as small as they may seem. Traditionally, people bring food and flowers. This is very thoughtful, and flowers are a beautiful gesture to show love. Food is also a great thought. It is rare for someone to be anxious to jump into the kitchen to start cooking meals during these times. Even more-so to leave the house with teary eyes to pick up a pizza. Having food at the house encourages you to sustain life in a comfortable environment, and it helps when your family members are able to eat with you. Again, priorities get lost, even eating. If you are able to be close with the family, monitor the amount of solid real foods they have available, something with little to no preparation is great. After a few days of sandwiches or chicken strips, you can earn bonus points by bringing them something entirely different than what they have been eating for the past few days. It is a great change of pace and helps shake up the routine and emotional connection that they have to meat trays. A gift that I would have never thought about, but was proven to be extremely useful: Tissues. My best friend Tricia brought our family some "cool touch" tissues. She explained how amazing they were, and I completely agree. Life changing. This was thoughtful and practically something that we were in need of. It was comforting as well, showing that she accepted the fact that we were going to be sad, and that there was no shame in it. Other items like this are great little things you can buy for someone, trash bags, paper plates, forks etc. Skip out on Starbucks for a day, and grab something that will be very useful to someone in a time of need. Leaving the house can be a breath of fresh air and a change of scenery, but this should be done on the desire to get out, not out of necessity for having guests.
Leave the kids at home
I love family, and I love certain kids excluding all of the little punks that cut me in line at six flags. This is a touchy subject because people love their kids, naturally. Kids are also kids, naturally... This puts the grieving family in a terrible position for a few reasons. Generally, a gathering is held at the house of the immediate family after a funeral service. Kids do not fully understand death for the most part, they don't understand that this is a different occasion for gathering. The normal rules of the house are intensified by 1000 on this day. Again, emotional hyper-sensitivity. When kids get together, they tear it up. They should be able to enjoy themselves and be as stress free for as long as possible! But what would normally be the kids having fun, turns into a danger to the house and an injury prone disaster waiting to happen. The owner of the house now has to not only be aware of their emotions while trying to hold it together, but every "thud" or high pitched squeal makes you cringe thinking something was just broken or an unconscious minor is laid out in your living room.
On top of this stress, we are now worried that we have just subjected our loved little family members to seeing us as empty shells of our usual selves. When your favorite little niece/nephew/cousin runs up to you trying to show you something that they are proud of and your responses is a half hearted "oh, thats nice" while staring blankly out a window, your subconscious lets you know that you just devastated them too. Adults are hard enough to deal with, but they understand empathy and that they too will have difficult times. Children aren't adept to this so they think that they did something wrong. The only addendum to this rule would be if a family member specifically requested that your child be present. Not because you asked and they said yes, because we are not capable of making decisions that will be beneficial to ourselves, we are blankly responding as we normally would without the full realization on how we will feel in 5 minutes. This is generally a good rule for the first days of the passing, up until a few days after the actual funeral would be safe. During the funeral itself, the kids should be present so they can start to get a sense of reality. But this is also a good time for you as a parent to explain the situation to your child.
Keep your paws off!
I can't even believe I would have to type this section, but as it turns out, many of the people I have spoken with said that this was a problem for them as well. Again, it is natural for people to try to cope with loss and comfort one another. Sometimes people try to show that they care by expressing interest in the belongings of the lost loved one. This can come in a few different flavors. The first example is the "insta-aficionado". This person, despite any prior interest to your loved ones favorite past-times, is instantly entranced by every item around your house that they held close. Maybe they liked to collect rare china and have a display near the dining room, now the insta-aficionado loooovvvvvves china and they pick up a plate to see the detail. Are you kidding me? The second type is "the barter". In addition to the insta, this person thinks that your pain will be eased by relieving you of your loved ones possessions. I know this sounds like an evil villain in a Marvel comics movie, but this is not uncommon either. How often would you walk into someones house and say "I just really love that coffee table, how much would you sell it to me for? Oh, and that lamp would go great with it, you don't need that anymore". I don't even need to put a sarcastic remark after this description, I will let this one sit.
Closure
If you have made it to the end of this article, chances are, you are a decent person that genuinely wanted to know a little about the other side of the loss. My blog has been about being on the other side of the lens, and this isn't far off. We are all going to experience loss at some point in our lives, unless we go first, it is the only certainty in life. I didn't think about death before this happened suddenly, and if I could go back and do it all over again, I wouldn't have changed a thing about the relationship I had with my Father. I knew that he was sick, but he fought and healed himself through positivity. He was healed because I never viewed him as a dying man, he was just Dad. We had the same conversations that we always had, we laughed so many times and had the chance to make some amazing art together. We will all deal with things in our own ways, we will have different durations of sadness and the spontaneous memories will be with us for our entire lives. All we can do is take it one day at a time, amazing words spoken by my Mother. What we can do for someone who has experienced loss, is to be there for them and let our actions speak louder than words. You won't be forgotten, and when they are ready, chances are, they might tell you how helpful you were to them while they were going through one of the hardest things in life.
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